Flush It.

Have you ever failed? Have you ever been embarrassed or ashamed? Have you been humiliated, defeated, or just looked dumb?

Maybe it was in a sporting event, a test, a relationship, or an interview. You fell flat on your face and kind of wanted to curl up and pretend like it never happened.

We’ve all been there. It could have happened today or it could have happened when you were seven, but we all remember those instances. They get seared into our minds. Biologically, this is a self-preservation tactic to help you avoid repeating previous mistakes. In reality, the memory of these negative outcomes can become crippling.

Fear can quickly take over our minds. Self-doubt can cause us to avoid situations where failure is a possibility. The problem is, failure is an event, not an identity. Failing once does not make you a failure. In fact, failing thousands of times does not make you a failure. Failure is a necessary ingredient in the recipe for success. (For more on this, read Chase Failure).

We cannot allow our failures to define us. So what should we do with them?

There are three steps to dealing with our failures:

1. Feel It.

This one is important, don’t pretend like it doesn’t hurt to fail. Allow it to sting, allow it to hurt. Do not skip this step and try to suppress you emotions following a failure event.

When you put yourself out there, try with everything you have and realize your best wasn’t good enough, that should be painful. Sit in that pain for a moment, remember that feeling.

Your emotions are powerful forces that impact everything we do. If you do not afford yourself this time, your emotions will stir up the failure event at some point in the future, and likely not at an ideal time.

2. Assess It.

Once the emotional response has calmed, it is time to assess what happened. You have allowed your heart to feel the failure, now it is time to let your mind go to work, clear from the muddiness of emotional distress.

This should be done in writing for mental retention and future reference. Answer yourself the following questions:

1. What was the desired outcome?

2. What was the actual outcome?

3. What went wrong? What can I improve?

4. What went right? What can I maintain?

5. What adjustments will you make next time?

These questions are powerful. They must be gone through one by one with answers written out. By walking through these questions and allowing your mind to work through the situation, you are allowing yourself to learn and grow from the failure. Once your mind squeezes all of the juice out of the lemon of the situation, your mind will not feel the need to revisit the failure in the future – freeing you from the mental weight the failure can carry.

3. Flush It.

Since you have felt the mental and emotional pain of defeat and you have recorded the postmortem autopsy on the performance, now is the time to Flush It. Never to be seen or heard from again.

Admittedly, this is easier said than done.

At times, you may find your mind wandering back to a particular failure from time to time. This is challenging to avoid altogether.

These are little sparks that could start a fire of doubt and fear. You can’t stop the sparks all together. You may have reminders of the past event like a sitting in the same class room, playing in the same stadium, or facing the same opponent.

But what does a spark need to turn into a flame? Fuel and oxygen. A spark alone does not create a fire, the spark needs a bit of kindling and a steady supply of oxygen.

In this case, the fuel for these sparks of doubt are your thoughts and the oxygen is your words. You can suffocate these sparks of doubt by not allowing your mind to dwell on the failure and not allowing your words to give it any life.

You’ve already Felt It and Assessed It, you can feel confident that you can Flush It.

Change your thoughts! Think about your highlight reel, a past success, or something totally unrelated.

Use your words! Literally say “Flush It!” out loud and begin talking about something else. Use your words to direct your mind. Do not allow your words to give it any oxygen. Your words give thoughts life, be intentional with your words!

Make no mistake, this is a Hard Thing. This is not a one-time exercise that allows you to move on from the mental challenges of past mistakes. You may need to Flush It many times. But this gets easier when you realize you have already allowed yourself to Feel It, you’ve sat in the pain and disappointment and allowed your emotions to process the failure. Then, when you Asses It, you’ve used your mind and intellect to review and analyze the entire situation. You’ve already squeezed the juice from the lemon, there is nothing left to gain from dwelling on it.

After these steps, you can be confident you have given your heart and mind the time and space to process the situation. After, that, you should feel the freedom to Flush It anytime that old failure pops back up to the surface.

Is there a failure you cannot seem to move past? Something that keeps you from performing your best or maybe something that prevents you from even starting that new challenge? First, go read Chase Failure for a fresh perspective on failure itself.

Then, take 10 minutes today and relive that failure. Feel It. Sit in it. Cry. Yell. Scream.

Then take 10 more minutes and Assess It. Analyze what went wrong and answer the five questions:

1. What was the desired outcome?

2. What was the actual outcome?

3. What went wrong? What can I improve?

4. What went right? What can I maintain?

5. What adjustments will you make next time?

Finally, Flush It. That failure DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. That was a one-time event that created an opportunity for you to learn and grow. You’ve Felt it, you’ve Assessed It. You’ve learned and grown. Now Flush It.